Heavy Metal (1980)

 

Tom's #SundaySlumday movie is the the animated fantasy film "Heavy Metal" from 1981. Heavy Metal is a Canadian anthology movie featuring stories taken from the long running science fiction magazine of the same name and it's pretty bonkers all around. The plot as it were is about a sentient green ball that is the embodiment of all evil, who in the wraparound story holds a young girl hostage and tells her five unrelated stories about how the green ball has powers in "all times, all galaxies, and all dimensions."

As I said Heavy Metal is bonkers and has alot of crazy shit going on but is also a pretty flawed film as some stories are awesome and build the overall story and some just sorta fizzle out and go nowhere. The animation is also inconsistent and i can honestly say Heavy Metal contains some of the best and some of the worst artwork I've ever seen. There are plenty of things to like about it though as the film contains plenty of humor, violence, nudity and boobs....lots and lots of boobs. There's also some great voice work by actors that include Harold Ramis and John Candy. Not to mention a rocking soundtrack containing music by groups like Devo, Black Sabbath and Blue Oyster Cult. Heavy Metal is an inconsistent but hugely enjoyable animated film that is like nothing else you are likely to see.

You can watch for free on Crackle!

 
 
 

BOOGIE NIGHTS (1997)

#SundaySlumday New Years Special!

As much as Tom loves "New Years Evil" from 1980, Slate's pick for today has the best ever New Years Eve scene, because lotsa people die. "Boogie Nights" from 1997 was PT Anderson's second film after "Hard Eight" and was a huge hit, not just for him but also for Burt Reynolds who got his first and only Oscar nomination at the ripe age of 62. Add Julianne Moore as an aging porn vet and the white hip hop singer formally known as Mary Mark and you've got a bona fide hit!

The New Years scene happens about an hour in and was done in one take. If you haven't seen it in awhile (or ever) it's streaming on Netflix. Happy New Years!

http://decider.com/movie/boogie-nights/

 

GREMLINS (1984)

#SundaySlumday Christmas Special!

Today's movie is "Gremlins" from 1984. Gremlins is about "Billy" who receives a cute furry critter for Christmas from his dad that has very specific rules for care and feeding. He breaks them all causing mayhem to erupt throughout his small town on Christmas Eve. Unless you live under a rock, everybody knows about this movie and the adorable "Mogwai" Gizmo. What you might forget is just how dark and cynical it is. Director Joe Dante really amps up the mean-spiritedness in this film. The townspeople are jerks, the main character is criminally negligent and the actual gremlins are creepy, gross little prankster/murderers. There is also a surpassing amount of gore for a PG film, especially in one amazing scene where Billy's mom has to take up arms and she stabs, dices and microwaves her way through the slimy little creatures. Gremlins is the perfect twisted "Christmas" movie to throw on to counteract all those awful Hallmark Channel films your family subjects you to. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Gremlins is free on Amazon Prime!

 

TAKE SHELTER
(2011)

It's Slate's turn for #SundaySlumday!

"Jeff Nichols’ latest film “Loving” is already attracting alot of Oscar attention, but if you missed his 2011 film “Take Shelter,” I highly recommend it. Rough plot, Curtis (Michael Shannon) lives with his family in rural Ohio and starts having wackball dreams and premonitions. He begins building a storm cellar in his backyard to protect his family, but they’re all weirded out by it and so is everyone else in town. It’s kindof scary. Meanwhile his mother is in the looney bin (played by Kathy Baker who is the single neighbor who tried to have sex with Edward Scissorhands at the mini mall hair salon she wanted him to open.) And Jessica Chastain plays his wife, before she got famous the same year for being in “The Help.”

Anyways, “Take Shelter” is a kindof paranoia horror movie, so if you don’t like that kindof thing this movie ain’t for you. It also has one of those end scenes which will make your mouth drop open and you’ll probably never forget it. Enjoy."

 

RUN LOLA RUN
(1998)

It's #SundaySlumday and Tom's ready to veg out!

 
 

"Today's Sunday Slumday movie is "Run Lola Run" from 1998. It's a German film from director Tom Twyker (of Cloud Atlas fame, but don't hold that against him) and stars the lovely Franke Potente, (with blazing red hair) as the title character Lola. The plot involves Lola's idiot boyfriend Manny, who lost 100,000 Deutschmarks and Lola has 20 minutes to help him find it or bad things will happen, and bad things do indeed happen. Several times in fact. Run Lola Run takes this bare bones plot and uses it to explore big topics such as the decisions we make, the nature of fate and how seemingly small interactions with others can profoundly affect both, all the while moving at a breakneck pace set to a pounding (and perfect) techno score.

Run Lola Run is a fantastic film oozing with depth and style, and a perfect way to spend your Sunday."

 
 
 

SERIAL MOM (1994)

 Slate is kicking #SlumdaySunday off!

"As many of you may know, my ultimate favorite director is John Waters, the Baltimore Prince of Puke behind “Pink Flamingos” and 1988 mainstream classic “Hairspray.” Most of his movies in the 90s were limited release, but he made the ridiculous and 100% satisfying murder romp "Serial Mom” in 1994 and it’s a must see. It’s about Beverly Sutphin (Kathleen Turner) who (kindof based on a true story, but barely) murders anyone that insults her family. It’s a bonkerstown combination of suburban 1950s “Leave it to Beaver” episodes and the courtroom antics of the OJ Simpson case. It costars all of the usual John Waters crew including Ricki Lake, Sam Waterston, 90s all girl rock band L7 and 70s heiress turned brainwashed cult kidnapee Patty Hearst.

You’ll never wear white after Labor Day again!"

 
 

 

BAD MOVIE MONDAY

Join us every Monday when Tom finds the worst of the worst movies on the web.

 

Tuesday, September 6th 2016

MALIBU HIGH (1979)

 

Bad Movie Monday (Oops Tuesday) Back to School Edition! Today's bad movie is the not-so-classic but oh-so-awesome "Malibu High" from 1979. Malibu High is about a teenager named Kim who is having a rough time because she is doing bad in school and she just lost her boyfriend to a rich girl with a nice car so she decides she's had enough and is going to take matters into her own hands by screwing her teachers for good grades and then screwing everyone else for money so she can get a nice car. Eventually she becomes an assassin for the mob and everything just spirals out of control.

This movie is super low budget and the acting is terrible but believe me, this film is a must see. Why? because the main character Kim is a complete psychopath and is played wonderfully (and terribly) by Jill Lansing (who never made another movie after this). She is both laughable and mesmerizing in her performance as the monstrous Kim. Fun fact, this movie was prominently featured in our #HookerVengeance episode from Season 1 and Slate and I had plenty to discuss about it (Slate had plenty to say about Kim: "SHE'S A MONSTER"). So give this movie a shot, it's one of my favorite bad movies and I think it will be one of yours as well. Welcome back to school kids! See ya at High Point!

 
 
 
 

Monday, August 8th 2016

DOGS OF HELL (1983)

 

Today's Bad movie is "Dogs of Hell" AKA "Rottweiler" from 1983. It's about a pack of Rottweilers that were bred and trained by the U.S. military to kill humans. They escape captivity to terrorize a bunch of bad actors in a small town or whatever. If a bunch of Rotweillers snarling and barking at the camera followed by overacting dumbasses getting mauled is your thing then this just might be the movie for you. It's bad of course (like all BMM films) but it does have some standout moments, one includes an onscreen performance of a nice folk song that is quickly followed by a mud wrestling competition (because of course folk music and mud wrestling go hand in hand). Another standout scene is the ending where the townspeople stand around watching a building burn with the evil dogs inside where you can hear the dogs howling in pain being burned alive while the oddly upbeat theme song plays over the closing credits. Pretty fucked up all around. So if you're an animal lover you might want to give "Dogs of Hell" a try. If you're an animal hater, then you'll definitely want to give it try. Enjoy!

 
 
 
 

Monday, July 24th 2016

RADIOACTIVE DREAMS (1985)

 

Today's Bad Movie is "Radioactive Dreams" from 1985 and oh boy is it a doozy. If you were to combine a detective movie, an apocalyptic sci-fi movie, and a disco musical but then do all poorly, you get the ill-conceived splendor of "Radioactive Dreams." The film is about two kids who get locked in a bomb shelter in 1986 and are released in 2001 after the nuclear war. Since all they had to read in the shelter were detective novels they model themselves after 1940 gumshoes and head out into the wasteland to fight mutants and look for magical keys or some shit.

"Radioactive Dreams" stars George Kennedy and Michael Dudikov both of which have had their share of shitty movies yet it still feels like they are slumming in this. Usually i point out the standout scenes in a bad movie but this one has too many to mention. It is so ridiculous and so completely awful that it almost comes back around to being art (the key word being "almost"). Enjoy!

 
 
 
 

Monday, July 18th 2016

HUNTER'S BLOOD (1987)

 

Today's ‪#‎BadMovieMonday‬ is the "Deliverance" ripoff "Hunter's Blood" from 1987. Hunter's Blood is about some city boys that go into the country for some huntin' and they end up pissing off the local deer poaching, homicidal redneck family. What follows is a bunch of killin' and chasin' in the woods. Hey, did you know that John Travolta has a brother? He does, his name is Joey Travolta and he's in this movie! So if you want to see someone from the Travolta family act worse than John then this movie is for you. In all seriousness though, this movie is fairly decent (by BMM standards) and it has a few standout scenes and some genuine suspense as well as some pretty decent (and somewhat gory) violence. One pretty great scene in particular has a redneck taking a shotgun blast to the face. So all in all you could do worse than "Hunter's Blood" although i doubt Joey Travolta did any better.

 
 
 
 

Monday, July 11th 2016

THE PIT (1981)

 

Today's bad movie is "The Pit" from 1981 about a creepy kid who finds a sinkhole/pit in the woods that contains tra-la-logs AKA mutant cannibal monsters. The creepy kid decides to feed the cannibal monsters people who piss him off and there you have it. It's a bad early 80s movie but it does have some standout elements, for instance the creepy kid constantly talks to his teddy bear and is about as persistently unlikeable as Kim from "Malibu High." Theres also a memorable scene where the creepy kid feeds a blind old lady in a wheelchair to the tra-la-logs and its kinda played for laughs. Theres even a fairly nifty twist at the end too which makes this film almost bearable. So if you are looking for a bad movie to watch (and i know you are) give "the Pit" a watch. It's better than getting eaten by tra-la-logs in the woods (barely).

 
 
 
 
 

Monday, June 27th 2016

The Eliminators (1986)

 

Today's movie is "The Eliminators" from 1986. It's a Terminator meets Robocop ripoff about a cyborg warrior named "Mandroid" who is used by these scientists for time travel experiments or some shit. Anyway, after he's done doing their bidding they were going to dismantle him but he escapes their lab and goes on the run. So they chase him down or whatever. This movie is really fucking awful. The acting is bad, the pacing is bad, everything is bad except for one thing, the "Mandroid." He is pretty fucking awesome in a b-movie way. He can remove limbs and put weapons on them and he has the ability to snap into some tank treads and drive around like a human fucking tank which is badass in my opinion. The movie seems to know that as well since by the end of this movie there are 2 mandroids duking it out ensuring cyborg mayhem all around. If you love a time traveling, rocket launching, tank tread attachment mandroid movie, watch "The Eliminators!"

 
 
 

Monday, June 20th 2016

GRADUATION DAY (1981)

 

Bad Movie Monday "Schools Out!" edition. Today's movie is the Troma produced film from 1981 called "Graduation Day." Graduation Day stars a bunch of nobodies getting killed by another nobody in some fairly original ways. The movie is about a girl who dies while running track and for some reason that leads to a guy dressed in a fencing costume with a stopwatch who is killing people who are about to graduate from school or some shit. This movie is awful, not to mention fairly tame by Troma standards, so not much gore or nudity, but it does have a few inventive death scenes. 

 
 

My favorite involves a guy who is practicing his pole vaulting that lands on a bunch of spikes. There is also a final confrontation involving the killer and sister of the girl who died at the beginning that contains some of the worst kung fu fighting this side of Dolemite. So although it's not the worst movie i've ever seen, "Graduation Day" is not anywhere near the top of its class and should probably be held back a year.

 

 Enjoy! And have a nice summer!

 
 
 

Monday, June 13th 2016

RUCKUS (1980)

 

Today's bad movie is "Ruckus" from 1980. "Ruckus" stars Dirk Benedict as Kyle Hanson who is an emotionally bruised veteran of the Vietnam War (of course) and while stopping in a small town to get some food, local redneck assholes begin harassing him and he ends up beating their ass and going on the run or some shit. Linda Blair stars as the love interest who tries to help him. This movie is awful, I mean really bad, but does have some memorable moments, the best of which involves a slow motion motorcycle jumping scene with Dirk and Linda smiling at each other in mid air. 

 
 

I'm not doing it justice with my description but it's simply hilarious. Linda Blair's attempt at a southern accent is also something you just have to witness. So if you're looking for a good Vietnam vet movie watch "First Blood" if you just don't give a shit, watch "Ruckus." 

 
 
 

Monday, June 5th 2016

GHETTO BLASTER (1989)

 

Today's bad movie is the "cleanup the neighborhood by killing all the Mexicans" revenge thriller "Ghetto Blaster" from 1989. Ghetto Blaster stars Richard Hatch of Battlestar Galactica fame and truth be told even though I refer to it as a "revenge thriller" there is barely any revenge and calling it a thriller is really pushing it. Anyway, someone had the bright idea of combining "Death Wish" and "Colors" and thought that would be awesome. It isn't. Still for a bad movie it does have quite a few standout moments, for example the hero dresses as a clown to rip off the evil Mexican drug lords and then gets into a motorcycle chase scene while still dressed as a clown. 

 
 

As well as the troubling scene where Hatch starts using ISIS type terrorist techniques like wiring a boombox to explode and having a kid deliver it to the gang members. Hilarity ensues?  Anyway, check out this movie if you like poorly choreographed fight scenes and a soundtrack that sounds like it was done on a Casio keyboard. 

 
 
 

Monday, May 30th 2016

THE BLACK HOLE (1979)

 
 
 
 

Bad Movie Monday Star Wars rip off edition! After George Lucas's little Sci-fi movie became a hit everybody wanted to get in on the action, including Disney. Their answer? THE BLACK HOLE. Star Wars meets 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, meets 2001 (seriously) and it's a mess. But its mostly an entertaining mess and as a bad movie it comes dangerously close to being, well, pretty good. Things in its favor: cool looking spaceship that resembles a flying cathedral, sorta dark subject matter (for Disney), a standout effects scene with a meteor barreling down a corridor and a bad guy robot named Maximilian that scared me as a kid and is still pretty menacing even now. He basically looks like a Minecraft Satan with razor blades and he kills Norman Bates with them (seriously). Fun fact, it was the scene i just mentioned that got this movie a PG rating (a first for Disney). Ok, so with all the good I mentioned what makes this a bad movie? Um, well, everything else. The other robots are annoying. Alot of the other effects are sketchy, the tone is all over the place and don't even get me started on the hate crime this film committed against physics. Still all in all its better than most of my other bad movies, but just barely. Also I had the lunchbox and it was cool (when i was 7).

 
 
 
 

Monday, May 23rd 2016

SAVAGE STREETS (1984)

 
 

So this week's movie I had a personal struggle with because its a bad movie that actually turned out to be awesome. I mean, its still bad, but so, so good (full disclosure, Slate and I genuinely love this movie). What movie could that be? The 1984 revenge thriller "Savage Streets." It stars Linda Blair as Brenda, a tough high school chick who plays a prank on some local drug dealers and her sister is raped and her friend killed because of it. So she decides enough is enough and seeks revenge with the help of a crossbow and some bear traps. Awesomeness ensues. Highlights include: Linda Blair's acting, the decidedly un-PC dialog, and the sheer 80s-ness of it all. Linda Blair might have stumbled with Exorcist 2 but she hit the ground running with "Savage Streets!" Watch this now! Thank me later.

 
 
 
 

Monday, May 16th 2016

BLOOD BEACH (1981)

 
 
 
 

Today's bad movie is "Blood Beach" from 1981. Blood Beach is one of those bad movies that has a pretty clever premise but just fails at living up to it. The movie is about a creature that lives under the sand in Santa Monica that occasionally pulls people down into the sand and eats them. It's like a cross between "Jaws" and "Tremors" which sounds awesome right? The problem is its so goddamn boring. Still, Blood Beach has some memorable moments, mostly involving people getting yanked under the sand by the (mostly unseen) creature. Also, it stars "Pauly" from the Rocky movies as a no-nonsense police detective who is determined to stop the creature and he's always a delight. Otherwise this movie is a slog to get through. Oh, and the creature? You barely see it but when you do it looks like a cross between a worm and a plastic flower. So if that sounds like your kinda thing then make feel free to make your way to "Blood Beach."

 
 
 
 
 
 

Monday, May 9th 2016

STREETWALKIN' (1985)

 
 

Bad Movie Monday Hooker Vengeance Edition!
In honor of our Season 2 Premiere week, we present a BMM film that would've been right at home with last season's "Hooker Vengeance" podcast. Better late than never I always say, or maybe not considering today's movie is "Streetwalkin" from 1985. "Streetwalkin" is about a girl named Cookie who, along with her brother flee her mean mom and run to NYC to be a hooker where she hooks up with Duke who turns out to be an asshole pimp (big surprise). Poor acting, poor fight choreography, poor choices, this film is awful. Although like all BMM films some things do stand out like the fact that Julie Newmar is in this for some reason as the Queen Pimp or whatever. Other things to note is the creepy S&M scene that takes place in a bedroom with "Return Of The Jedi" curtains on the windows (for some damn reason). Otherwise, everything else in this film plays like a second rate "Angel" ripoff, which is saying something. Still, if you are looking for a hooker revenge film to watch pick something else. However, if you you've seen all the other ones then give this one a try. Just make sure you close your Star Wars curtains first.

 
 
 

Monday, May 2nd 2016

DEATH AT OPEN VIEW PARK (1979)

 
 

Bad Movie Monday: Hometown Horror Edition!

Today's bad movie is "Death At Ocean View Park" from 1979. It's a 70s disaster movie about a theme park that collapses and kills people or some shit. Fun fact though, this was filmed at the real Ocean View park, close to where I grew up and for the longest time I thought this movie was based on a real incident and was awesome. Both of those assumptions were wrong. 

For one, this is a made for tv movie so there is no gore and also it's just plain dumb. There are some standout scenes however like the ridiculous psychic chick who keeps having visions of the park's demise and the final scene where the park (and particularly the rollercoaster) go up in flames is fairly impressive. You can tell this where the majority of the budget went. It certainly didn't go towards the writing and acting. Still, if you want your kids to stop bugging you to take them to six flags or whatever, put this movie on and tell them its real, it might just work.

 
 
 
 
 
 

Monday, April 25th 2016

SMOKEY BITES THE DUST (1981)

 
 

Today's bad movie is the Roger Corman produced "Smokey and the Bandit" ripoff "Smokey Bites The Dust" from 1981. It stars the girl from the old "Nancy Drew" tv show and a bunch of nobodies. The movie is about a teenage car thief who ends up stealing the homecoming car that just so happens is occupied by the homecoming queen (Nancy Drew) who just so happens to be the daughter of the Cyco County (get it?) Sheriff who is determined to get his daughter back. There is also a subplot involving some gross Arab stereotypes trying to buy some moonshine or some fucking thing but the less said about that, the better.

Hilarity ensues! Well, not really. There are however, some standout scenes in this movie, all of which include car chases and car wrecks. Some of which are quite inspired. My favorite is a car chase that involves a 57 Chevy that must be seen to be believed. Otherwise the rest of this film is pretty much garbage, but then again this is Bad Movie Monday. What else did you expect?

 
 
 
 
 
 

Monday, April 11th 2016

DRIVE-IN MASSACRE (1977)

 
 

Today's bad movie is "Drive-In Massacre" from 1977. It's about some dude who is stalking a drive in movie theater (ask your parents what those are, kids) and murdering movie goers with a broadsword. Cool fuckin' premise right? The execution however, is something else. For a movie about a serial killer wielding a freakin' Excalibur you'd think it would be more exciting. You'd be wrong. Even the two detectives hot on the killers trail seem pretty bored with the whole affair. That being said, there are a few standout scenes. One in particular has the killer lopping off a dudes head and it's pretty well done. He also stabs a few people to good effect. Also there is a slightly unpredictable twist in the end but that's about it. I rarely say this about Bad Movie Monday films (or films in general) but i think this one could use a remake because a sword swinging drive-in movie serial killer is a pretty great plot to me. Too bad this movie doesn't do it justice. Enjoy?

 
 
 
 
 
 

Monday, March 21st 2016

HIGH SCHOOL USA (1983)

 
 

Today's Bad Movie Monday is a made for TV movie from 1983 called "High School USA." It stars Michael J. Fox, Nancy Mckeon, Anthony Edwards, Crispin Glover and pretty much everybody else that was in a sitcom in the early 80s. Michael J Fox wants to woo Mckeon by winning a car race with the resident school rich kid/asshole or some shit. Hilarity ensues....not really. It does have some standout scenes though, like the school nerd/genius who invents a robot or any scene with Crispin Glover as he plays yet another memorably unhinged weirdo. There's even a scene where Michael J. Fox's character sticks up for Crispin Glover's character when bullies start fucking with him that have a certain "Back to the Future" type vibe going on. Make no mistake though, this movie is nowhere near the caliber of that one. Still, if you are looking for a movie where noticeable 30 year olds are playing teenagers you can certainly do worse than this film.

 
 
 
 

Monday, March 6th 2016

Spacehunter: Adventures in the ForbiddEn Zone (1991)

 
 

Bad Movie Monday! In 3D!

 

Today's movie is "Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone" from 1983. It stars some Han Solo wannabe named "Wolff" as well as Molly Ringwald, Michael Ironside and Ernie Hudson! It's about a space handyman who goes to some planet to rescue some women and runs into Molly Ringwald but is captured by a ruthless, cyborg dictator named "Overdog" (played by Ironside). As I mentioned, this movie was in 3D and came out in theaters when 3D made a brief return in the 80s. That same year "Jaws 3D" and "Friday the 13th 3D" both came out. Both of them pretty much sucked too. Anyway, Spacehunter is crappy of course but does have a couple of standout elements. One is Wolff's super cool SUV, another is Ironside as the creepy, pervy Overdog. It makes sense that his character's name has "dog" in it since hes constantly chewing up all the scenery. The rest of the movie is garbage. Still, worth seeing if you are into watching decent actors slumming it. Enjoy!

 

Watch it HERE:

 

 
 
 
 

Monday, February 22nd 2016

COOL AS ICE (1991)

 
 

It's Bad Movie Monday! Today's movie is "Cool As Ice" from 1991 starring Vanilla Ice! Admittedly this is a pretty easy target, but I had to do it. "Cool As Ice" is a about a rapper/drifter (Vanilla Ice) who is riding his motorcycle cross country with his "posse" when one of their motorcycles breaks down in a small town and Ice ends up getting involved with a girl whose family has some secrets or some fucking shit. This movie is simply amazing in its awfulness, yet is surprisingly watchable (if you are wasted). Some standout scenes include pretty much every scene Vanilla Ice is in. From his dialog (the phrase "Drop that zero and get with the hero" came from this movie) to his attempts at acting in "serious" scenes. This is a movie that keeps on giving.

 

Fun fact: the cinematographer for this film was none other than Janusz Kaminski, the cinematographer for such films as "Schindlers List" and "Saving Private Ryan." Clearly he must place this one at the top of his resume. Seriously though, this movie is unbelievable and should be seen with a group of drunk friends as soon as humanly possible.

 
 
 
 
 

Monday, February 15th 2016

LEECHES (2002)

 
 
 

Today's bad movie is "Leeches" from 2003. I guess since "Slugs" was already taken, somebody decided that Leeches would also fit into the "easily avoidable monster movie" genre. "Leeches" is about a college swim team that is training for the finals or some shit. They go swimming in a swamp for some reason and get leeches on them. That isn't a big deal except some of the swimmers are taking steroids to enhance their swimming for the competition and once the leeches drink some of that 'roided out blood, they mutate and all hell breaks loose. This movie is fucking awful, the leech effects are awful and the acting is awful, however this film is intriguing in that it is the most homoerotic horror movie I've seen since "Nightmare on Elm Street 2". It's packed with men running around in speedos, taking showers together in speedos and getting attacked by mutant leeches while wearing speedos. If this was a better movie i would think that the men running around barely dressed was some sort of commentary against rampant sexism in horror movies, however this isn't a better movie. Still, if you enjoy scantily clad men running around getting killed by poorly designed leeches on HGH, you might just have a gay old time with this one. Enjoy!

 
 
 
 
 
 

Monday, February 8th 2016

BRANDED (2012)

 
 

Bad Movie Monday: Evil Russian Marketing Edition! Today's movie is "BRANDED!" a batshit movie from 2012 (that's right, its not from the 80s). Branded is set in Moscow in the not too distant future and is about a young Russian marketing executive named Misha (Ed Stoppard) hired for a reality TV show. Misha meets Abby (Leelee Sobieski, who is clearly slumming in this movie). So as it goes, Misha ends up getting involved in a "red cow ritual" (whatever the hell that is) and as a result acquires special powers to see "marketing schemes" in their true form ... which look like big floating balloons and um, monsters or some shit. Did any of that description make sense? No? Neither does this crazy ass movie.

Highlights: Commercials making obesity fashionable (I'm not kidding) and a scene where Misha wanders around town looking at the crazy "Marketing Balloons of Desire" emanating from people after he gains his new Cow powers. So if you want to see something utterly baffling, check this out. Honestly I can see this being a cult film in a few years, not that it makes it any better. Enjoy!

 
 
 
 
 
 

Monday, February 1st 2016

SNOWBEAST (1977)

 

 
 
 
 

Today's film is the Jaws-on-land bigfoot movie "Snowbeast" from 1977. "Snowbeast" is about a small Colorado ski resort town that's being terrorized by what is basically the inbred cousin of the Wampa from Empire Strikes Back. You barely see this creature, which is a good thing because it's pretty crappy when you do. Anyway, skiers get killed one by one by the Snowbeast until it decides to leave the mountains and come into town to ruin the snow queen dance/prom. Finally the townsfolk send people up to the the mountains to kill it and when they find it they realize they need a bigger boat, er, I mean gun or whatever. For a movie about bigfoot killing people there isn't much gore in this film. That's probably due to the fact that it was made for TV. Still, it does have a few standout scenes like the previously mentioned scene where snowbeast ruins the prom, as well as the final showdown where snowbeast gets mortally wounded by a ski pole. Plus there's a plethora of bad acting all around. So if you are looking for a barely competent "Jaws" ripoff to watch, give "Snowbeast" a try. 

 
 
 
 
 

Monday, January 25th 2016

American Ninja 2:

the Confrontation

 
 

Bad Movie Monday! Today's movie is American Ninja 2: the Confrontation. It's a sequel to American Ninja (in case you needed that clarified) and it stars Michael Dudikoff as the aforementioned Ninja and his token black guy sidekick Steve James (who incidentally in real life could kick his cracker ninja ass). This time they are on an island fighting to protect some marines getting bullied by bad ninjas or some shit. It's very 80s and has an exciting synth soundtrack and some poorly choreographed ninja fight scenes. Standout scenes include just about every fight scene but especially the beach scene near the beginning where American Ninja takes out a bad ninja by throwing a stick at him. For those of you sitting around waiting for all that blizzard snow to melt, why not grab a beer (or 5) and watch this awful 80s action romp. Its better than shoveling your sidewalk.... somewhat.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Monday, January 18th 2016

R.O.T.O.R (1987)

 

What do you get when you rip off two fantastic movies, (Robocop and Terminator) merge them together, but strip out everything that makes them great? You get R.O.T.O.R from 1987. R.O.T.O.R is set in the near future where crime runs rampant. Something needs to be done to stop it so scientists develop the Robotic Officer Tactical Operation Research program ( R.O.T.O.R) which is a prototype cyborg cop thing which of course goes berserk and goes on a killing spree. This movie is awful but like most BMM selections it has some standout elements to it like the laughable dialog, the Casio-style synth soundtrack, and R.O.T.O.R's awesome pornstache. Not to mention my favorite character Willard, who is a robot that looks like the inbred cousin of the robot from "Rocky 4." In spite of that Willard is the best actor in the movie which should tell you something. Anyway, If you think "Robocop" is too highbrow for you, feel free to give R.O.T.O.R a try. 

 
 
 

Monday, January 11 2016

Carnosaur (1993)

 

Today's bad movie is the Roger Corman produced, Jurassic Park Ripoff "Carnosaur" from 1993. Although it came out the same year as Steven Spielberg's classic film, there is no mistaking the two. Remember that awesome scene in Jurrasic Park where you first saw the T-rex? yeah, there's none of that shit here. Carnosaur is about a biological warfare expert who works at a chicken factory where they infect chicken eggs with a virus that has dinosaur DNA or whatever. Anyway, women who get infected with the virus end up giving birth do dinosaurs...er, carnosaurs. Carnosaur stars Diane Ladd and a bunch of nobodies who you won't give two shits about. Standout scenes include a bunch of dumbasses getting eaten by massive, unconvincing t-rex puppets and some fairly impressively disgusting scenes of women giving birth to dino-babies. By the way, there's also a "Carnosaur 2" you can watch after this one if you truly have nothing to live for. Enjoy!

 
 
 
 
 

Monday, January 4th 2016

Galaxy of Terror (1981)

 

Todays bad movie is the "Alien" ripoff "Galaxy Of Terror" from 1981. It stars Ray Walston as a young Robert Englund (Mr. Freddy Kruger himself) and Joanie from "Happy Days." It's about a space crew on a rescue mission to a strange planet where another spaceship ran into trouble (sound familiar?) Anyway the rescue crew are then terrorized by monsters from their greatest fears or some shit. This movie is unbelievably awful but has the most amazing standout scene of pretty much any BMM in recent memory because a woman gets raped by a giant maggot. Seriously. A woman managed to get her clothes ripped off and then gets raped by a giant fucking maggot. Granted there are other standout scenes in this movie but you don't care (and neither do I) because a woman gets sexually assaulted by a huge maggot so there is nothing more to talk about really. So I'll just leave it at that and say Happy New Year and enjoy the huge rape maggot movie.

 
 
 
 

Monday, December 28th 2015

New Year's Evil (1981)

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Today's movie is called "New Years Evil" from 1981. It stars Roz Kelly as a punk rock chick named "Blaze" who is hosting a New Years Eve Punk Rock/New Wave show when a crazed killer calls in and threatens to kill someone at midnight in the 4 (continental) US time zones. Interesting premise? Sure! Competent execution? Not so much. It gets the job done but just barely.

Some standout scenes include 80's punk rock kids "slamdancing" to new wave bands "Shadow" and "Made in Japan" the latter of which performed the theme song. Also the killer wears one of the best porn 'staches ever. This movie would possibly make a passable double feature with the film "Christmas Evil." Of course, that would depend on your definition of the word "passable."

Enjoy!...and Happy New Year.

 
 

Monday, December 21st 2015

Elves (1989)

 

Today's Bad Movie is called "Elves" from 1989 and this one is seriously way the hell out there. As far as I can tell it's about elves who were experimented on by Nazis (seriously) to create the master race but the elves have to mate with a perfect human subject on Christmas Eve in order to reproduce or some shit. I feel like my description is making this sound like a better movie. It isn't. It does have plenty of standout scenes though, one in particular is the protagonist's little brother, who swears like a sailor (clearly my favorite character) not to mention plenty of elf on human mayhem. Oh and it stars Grizzly Adams (I'm not kidding) as a renegade cop who is bound and determined to stop the evil, horny, Nazi, yuletide elf. Drink a lot of eggnog before this one, you're gonna need it.  

 
 
 

Monday, December 14th 2015

Star WARS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL (1978)

 

Today's bad movie is "The Star Wars Holiday Special" from 1978. Granted its technically a tv show but it's movie length and based on the film so i say it counts.

Anyway, for those of you don't know about this monstrosity (consider yourselves lucky) it's about Han Solo taking Chewbacca to his home planet to celebrate "Life Day" AKA Wookee Christmas with his family. Of course the Empire gets involved and mayhem ensues. Let me just say this show is absolutely fucking bonkers. Whoever put this thing together thought that it would be great to combine Star Wars with a variety show (it was the 70's yo) and that's pretty much what they did. Bea Arthur, Art Carney, Diahann Carroll andJ efferson Starship are all in this and it is absolutely insane and not in a good way.

Two highlights to note however, one is that Boba Fett is introduced in an animated portion and it is fairly decent and two, Carrie Fisher sings the Life Day/Star Wars theme song while looking like she was totally zonked on cocaine (and probably was). Enjoy! Actually scratch that. I challenge you to just watch the whole thing. I bet you can't.

 
 
 

Monday, December 7th 2015

Society (1989)

 

Oh boy, this one's a doozy. Its called "Society" and it's about a teenager (with an awesome 80s mullet) who finds out that his wealthy family is not what they appear to be. For the most part it's just another crappy horror movie from the 80s, not very scary and mostly hokey, until you get to third act. Then it's like a whole other movie. Don't get me wrong, this movie is truly bad, but that finale is genuinely disturbing and something you can't unsee. Standout scene: the final 20 minutes, but don't say I didn't warn ya.

 
 

Monday, November 30th 2015

Class of 1999 (1989)

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 Today's bad movie is "Class of 1999." Released in 1989, this movie predicted that schools at the turn of the century would be veritable war zones where rival gangs rule the streets and classrooms. So what's the solution? Homicidal cyborg teachers, of course! This "Blackboard Jungle" meets "Terminator" bad movie stars Malcolm McDowell, (why Malcolm why?) the lovely Pam Grier (as a Cyborg teacher with a flamethrower arm) and Stacey Keach (with a white mullet/rat tail haircut that needs to be seen to be believed). Standout scenes include: Cyborg teachers trying to teach but instead kick student's asses and the final battle of cyborg teachers vs motorcycle riding gangs that contains some pretty nifty effects. In all honesty this movie is actually fairly enjoyable and comes dangerously close to being good. I fully recommend it for the drunk and/or bored. This would also make a groovy double feature with last week's entry "Class of 1984." Watch 'em together and see the sad decline of the US school system. And for you kids heading back to school after the Thanksgiving break, don't piss off your cyborg teacher.

 
 
 

Monday, November 23rd 2015

Class of 1984

 

Bad Movie Monday is "Class of 1984." It's an exploitation movie from 1982 that supposes that high schools of the 80's will be overrun with out of control psychopaths. It features Mathew Perry, Roddy McDowall and a young Michael J Fox. Standout scene involves Roddy McDowall making troubled teens recite science trivia at gunpoint. Enjoy!

 
 

Monday, November 16th 2015

CHOPPING MALL (1986)

 
 

Bad Movie Monday! Today its "Chopping Mall," a bad movie if there ever was one. In true 80s horror fashion we have horny teenagers being killed one by one, only instead of being killed by Jason at a summer camp they are in a shopping mall after hours being killed by malfunctioning robots with lasers. Standout scene involves said lasers causing a head to explode. Fun fact: there is a cameo from Mary Woronov and Paul Bartel reprising their characters from "Eating Raoul" which is a much better bad movie but still, this one is worth a drunken watch. Enjoy!

 

This link looks sketchy but it's totally fine.


Monday, November 9th 2015

Saturn 3 (1980)

Today's bad movie is an "Alien" ripoff from 1980 called "Saturn 3." It stars Kirk Douglas, Harvey Keitel and Farrah Fawcett (all of which are slumming in this) and it's about a couple (Douglas and Fawcett) who live on an outpost on one of Saturn's moons and Keitel shows up with his killer robot Hector and ruins everything. See, Keitel wants to have sex with Fawcett (who doesnt?) but she disses him and he sends Hector to kill everyone, or some shit. 

High points? well there is some gratuitous Farrah Fawcett nudity not to mention the design of Hector the evil robot is pretty nifty. Also, the effects are better than "Starcrash" although that's not saying much. Low points? Middle age Kirk Douglas nudity and pretty much everything else in the movie. In space no one can hear you yawn. Enjoy...I guess.


Monday, November 2nd 2015

Megaforce (1982)

Megaforce!!! The ultimate bad movie! The movie by which all other bad movies are measured. As for plot (what there is of it) Megaforce are a super-hi-tech (for 1982) elite fighting team with dune buggies and motorcycles that have lasers and missiles (awesome right?) and they end up fighting a bad guy and his battalion of tanks for, um..some damn reason i don't know. Megaforce stars the dude from Xanadu and some other dude in ridiculous tights. Standout scene: the other dude (not Xanadu dude) lands a flying motorcycle onto a moving cargo plane (with the worst rear projection screen effect ever!) Do not watch this movie sober. Enjoy!!!


Monday, October 26th 2015

STARCRASH (1979)

Today's movie is the epically bad space opera called "Starcrash" released in 1979. This movie is fantastic in its poor dialog, effects and story. So with all that badness, what makes it awesome? For one, it has the lovely Caroline Munro as a space pilot who wears a black leather bikini throughout the entire movie (as space pilots do) and it features a heavily eyelinered David Hasselhoff wielding a lightsabre. Let me say that again, David Hasselhoff weilding a fucking lightsabre! The plot of the movie is um...something about space and uh, robots and evil and scantily clad women fighting. 

The spaceship scenes look like broken toys being thrown in front of a Light Brite. Remember in the Ben Affleck movie "Argo" where they were fake-producing the bad sci-fi film (also called "Argo") as a cover to free US Embassy personnel hiding in Iran? This is basically that sci-fi film. One can only hope this movie helped free somebody, but i doubt it. Anyway... David Hasselhoff! Lightsabre! Boobs! Robots! Go watch this movie right now!


Monday, October 19th 2015

Uninvited (1988)

Tonight's film is one I can't believe I've never heard of before. How did I live my whole life and not know this thing existed? It's a horror movie (I use the term loosely) called "Uninvited" from 1988. It's about a mutant rat/critter/gremlin thing that lives inside a house cat and comes out of its mouth to attack people when it's pissed, oh and it's poisonous too for some reason. Again, how did I not know about this before? It's like this movie was made for me. 

"Uninvited" stars George Kennedy (who must've had some back taxes to pay) and a bunch of nobodies and some scantily clad women and one of the worst mustaches in cinema history. Of course the cat/mutant/rat kills them one by one in bloody hilarity. Standout scenes: anything involving the mutant rat coming out of the cats mouth to kill people. It really is a sight to behold. The only way this movie could be any better is if Linda Blair showed up in it (sadly, she didn't). So if you plan to see only one mutant rat demon living inside a house cat movie, be sure to make it this one. Enjoy!!


Monday, October 12th 2015

SLUGS (1987)

Today's movie is one of the most improbable of all monster films. Yes, there exists a movie about killer slugs. I'm not kidding. It's about mutant killer slugs going on a rampage in a small town for some damn reason. Granted, it is a very slow and (one would think) easily avoidable rampage, yet somehow quite a few bad actors fall victim to these lethargic monsters. Standout scenes include a dumb naked couple being devoured by a hoard of slugs (lotsa gratuitous nudity) and a guy whose head explodes in the middle of a restaurant because he mistakenly ate a piece of mutant slug. Good stuff all around. Of course not once in this movie do any of these dumb asses think to use salt against this slimy menace. Oh well, there's still plenty of bad movie mayhem/fun to drunkenly enjoy.

 

MONDAY, OCTOBER 5TH 2015

"TERRORVISION" (1986)

Today's movie is "TerrorVision," a film from 1986 about a monster that gets beamed through a satellite tv that starts eating people. Why does this happen? Um, something about an alien race getting rid of garbage by beaming it into space or some shit. Does it matter? The movie is called TerrorVision for Christ's sake! It stars Mary Woronov (of course) and the girl that played the french exchange student in "Better Off Dead." It's got guns, militant grandpas, swingers, beer, incredible 80's decor and some fairly snappy dialog. It knows full well it's a bad movie and fully embraces it. Maybe you should too. Grab a "Heiny" and turn that dial to "TerrorVision!"